18.10.16

I’ve come back for another round with myself. This is something that I used to do so often, I never know if it made me saner, or if it left me feeling crazy, stewing in my own thoughts. But its’s a sorting process. Something I did with Cora for so long and I would leave lighter. Feeling less weight weighing me down. Less, on my mind. I would just leave as myself. I still have drugs. My vice and escape method. But that’s okay. I’m okay with them. What I need to focus the majority of my energy on is sleep.

I see that. I came in clear-headed today, but I slept (aka laid still) for nearly 12 hours yesterday. I needed it. Clearly, I need it more often than I know. It’s something I deny myself so often. I denied it from Rita constantly, sorry I just wanted to spend my time with you. I guess you never really understood. Who the fuck were you? Why am I chasing someone in Philly? I legit don't know, but I’m kind of loling at the idea. I don't know if I’m gonna go for it or not. It won't be anything. Nothing will come of it. I doubt she will even agree to see me. She threw out a safe yes and she can safely bail. I’m sure she will, she never really fucked with me like that. I already know these things, but once again, I think I might just let time be the final judge. I should go just to go spend time with Sarah. It’s not that I don't want to see Sarah either, I’m just looking for a different kind of company this weekend. Dad is free, can Y'all leave him be or what.

Apparently, Rita is introducing my kids to her new boyfriends, this game is a slippery slope and one that I don't think I’m going to join into. It’s not safe and it’s not time. Nothing will come of it. I can relax. Or maybe she has found the next ‘one’. She does pick them so easily, ha. I’ll watch from my usual sidelines and keep a temp gauge on my kids. They are resilient. They are smart. They are aware. “Mommy's friend” Mr. Chris. Ok bitch. I guess it’s been a while, but not really. I can't wait for you to explain all of this to them.

I can't wait to explain all of this to them. I can't wait for the questions. I can't wait for the tears. You think you're done. You think you got out of what you started, but I’m realizing that this is just the beginning. I didn't die when I turned 30 and you didn't come back when I turned 31. This is the beginning of the rest of my life. I guess I’m back to living in the present. Today is my day. Tomorrow will be my day. Yesterday is gone. I am reborn each morning with a new outlook on life and new energy to be whoever it is I’m supposed to be. I want to be better. I want to be me. I want to be strong. I want to be wise. I want to be successful. Those things begin with me. I’m at UA feeling like a failure. When really I’m just getting started. How fucking corny to use a UA line, but it’s oh so true.

God what a night of sleep can do for a person. What happens if I do it again. How clear can I get? How close can I get to the present? I’m losing reasons to complain, but I have a lot of items that require action. I need to get moving. I hate it here, I shouldn’t pretend any different. I’m a waste of space here, but that’s hardly how I feel. I feel like me again. I’ve been told I’m aging like a fine wine. I’m feeling pretty fucking good about that. I’m something special. What a strange mindset to be in. But it's not selfishness, it’s just fucking life. Take control of it.

I bought more cigarettes today after throwing out the rest of my pack last night. I also got a car wash and bought the most expensive gas. I’m hilarious. Alesandra messages me a lot. I’m curious. She’s trouble. And I don't really fuck around like that, but maybe I should. I haven't let my guard down with my kids yet, I keep them in our bubble. Reality has been unnecessary thus far, they’re observers. They haven’t seen Mommy and Daddy doing anything together in a long time. “ I left it at my Mom’s house.” I fucking love it. I didn't hear ‘Mommy”. Lemme hear my man say, it's at my Dads house. I doubt it. It's at Daddy or it's at my house. We don't fuck with you like that you stupid selfish kid fucking whore. Sorry, let me chill.

I’m running through them all. With class and elegant ease. I hate you. Am I acting out? Nah. Do you need attention. Yes, which is why I love being able to deny you. Fuck you forever you piece of shit. I always forget because I find you to be charming. And I can be such a sucker. But you can suck my dick you ugly pimple nose bitch. I didnt come here to talk to you, why am I. Why is the internal voice still so angry with you. I’m sure I know, but I will NOT let you inside my head again. You dont deserve any fucking space there. Watch me keep you out of the kids heads. Watch me slowly keep you out of their lives. Watch how that shit starts to feel in the long con. You havent got me with shit. You havent got shit on me. We are not on any sort of same level. I need to make a big move for me. I just got promoted and I’m still salty. Stay fucking hungry. Thats the only move. I know I can do the work, and I know the added effort will only make me a better person.

Sometimes I wonder if I could ever do the work of someone that deals with the public all day, or someone thats on their feet, or someone thats under constant surveillance. I dont know. Ive grown so accustomed to my current lifestyle. I dont know what my next move is. What is it that I want to do. I’m so good at creating I just never have the chance to flex. I dont flex often. I need to. I need to remind all of you how intelligent I really am. I need to remind you how balanced I really am. I need to remind you of how much im watching, observing and keeping things in order. If I show up in Philly and you dont see me thats all good, I know you didnt want to to begin with. Honestly, thats your loss. I’m so easy. Barely needy. I have no needs. My needs are leave me alone. Dont flood me. Dont smother me. Just let me be, and I’ll be in touch. And if you need to hang with me, you can force yourself on me, and I’ll be there willing. But I am excellent at dodging. I am excellent at avoiding.

My perceptions are sharp, why have you always confused me. I dont know. I like to think about you because I find you to be beautiful. Youre a small angel. I only speak with angels. I only entertain them. I really just dont fuck with anyone else. What a nice little life I have. I should be winking at more girls and keeping my distance. Lol. I’m feeling myself today and I feel like a piece of shit. I’m almost annoyed that people can read this. I guess I could make it private. I say a lot of names in here. Maybe I s hould remove them.

sometimes its scary when you look at how much my tone can change based off of sleep. thats something that rita always knew. I need my sleep or else i am impossible to deal with. I can be an enormous piece of shit. leland is gonna want to play call of duty tonight, and i have to ready for 30 minutes, and i have to cook dinner. and im still sitting at work 10 minutes after im off just so that i can spew a little. sometimes i need to. i need to kjust get this all out. im back, im healthyt, i should do this every day. i know how much i love it. i fucking love it.

im inspiried right nopw t9o just keep on spewing. but alas, its time to go the fuck home. ok bye. love you. hate you. fuck you. die slow. all my 44’s will make sure your kids dont grow. amen.