I've been writing in a journal recently. something to get me to think. Right now I'm typing on my laptop and it's loaded with typos I can type as fast as I want to be able to think right now. That's not good. I need to go get a keyboard.

I don't believe you. I can’t believe you, but as if you haven't attempted to humiliate me too much, are you seeking to teach me a lesson now? What could you want to share with me? I shared my pains and all my weaknesses with you, and in the end, you just shut it all down. Without a second thought, such bizarre ways of reaching back out to me. What the fuck are you doing? I. realize now that maybe you’ve never dated a grown-up. I’m still here to teach you some lessons, we both know this has been going on too long. But you aren't creating a chase.

I think that's what you wanted, what will I be willing to chase you through. The answer these days may be very little. And its not that I don't want to, but sometimes its just that I cant.

“Wow, she loved you.”

Here’s to you assuming I must have done something to drive that person away. I must have been the reason. It always comes back to me, am I too self righteous. I know what I could have done differently in my relationship with Rita. I don't have second guesses behind that. Rita and I spent 10 years together. I spent a few nights with you. You will not warrant strong feelings from me overnight. Yea, I’ve had my eye on you. You're a fucking catch. And we are the same person. I’m not making that shit up, and now you make me feel crazy for thinking it. But we are. I always go looking for myself. Someone I can love instead of me. But someone that embodies all the things in me I’m too afraid to do.

I need to stand up for myself maybe. Lol, of course, I do. Behind my artistic vision. Behind my humor and my mind. I’m faster than you may assume. But this has thrown me off, I wish I could pinpoint what happened in your mind to decided to let me go. And so easily.

I don't know if I’ll ever understand. But I’m not on the hunt. I found you. It’s going to take a lot from someone else to get me to look for a new direction. I've proven that too myself over and over again. It's just how I work. Not much else I can do about it.

I’m fading in and out today. I’m trying to run from the realities of tomorrow. I’m not entirely ready for tomorrow. Obviously. I have a lot of organizing to do today. But I just feel like talking about Rosa. What the fuck did I get myself into? I knew. I knew what I was trying to manifest. I came close. I feel crazy and obsessive, but I’m not. Just to know what it felt like to have someone interested in me, to ask me questions, to listen to me talk. I missed it. I missed having a friend who cared.

Hard for me to let this one go as I head blind into a new storm. I wasn't ready to grow up so quickly. I wasn't ready to learn so fast. I didn't want this lesson. I want someone to lean on. I should be allowed that. I’ve carried myself for so long, with three kids and an ex-wife. And I’ve come out on top. I am doing well. I have money saved. I’m still smiling. Why the fuck cant I find something real with someone. What did I do to deserve all of these women in my life that lead me on a wild ride only to never care at all. Why do I keep falling for all the wrong ones. Who am I meant to find. I thought I found her. I cant lie, I thought you were the one. We’re mid-30’s, we’re looking. What did I do to never speak with you again. Fuck you. I’m starting to hate you for ruining something real. I was real. I still am. See u soon.