Hello. I don't have time to write here, but maybe that’s why writing always seems to be my escape. Perhaps I’m doomed to live inside my own mind forever. My outlets are scarce, talking friends to death with the same stories of girls. No one to call my own. I burned those bridges. Without intention, I organized the loss. I thought I knew what I was doing. Do we ever? Why have I found so many life lessons to teach myself through utter stupidity?
I hate knowing what’s best for myself at the moment only to realize I’ve never known anything at all. I feel free today. Lighter. I spoke with Rita on Friday. Told her how I still feel after all these years. I guess time is meaningless. It is to me at least. I still have no focus. I’m smoke-free though, it's been over a month and now I haven't smoked weed in over a week. I’m. trying to come to terms with my own mind. Who am I? Who am I running from? I’m so tired of running from myself. I used to find solace in it, no longer. I want to be here. I want to be in full control of myself. I still can't seem to stop these thoughts. My mind is clear and a cloud all at once. We can’t go back, nothing works that way. But what’s ahead of us?
Rosa called me less than 5 minutes before Rita got here. For a moment I second-guessed everything. Should I still tell her? The moment passed and I knew exactly what I wanted to say. I missed my friend so much. She was my true best friend. But we hurt each other. Betrayed our love, our trust, our security. We let it go. I thought I had to. I know that I did. But it came back. We’ve spoken every day since. Just little bits here and there. Where do we go from here? She's with someone new. She says it's real but that she still loves me. That she’s no longer in love with me though. She did the work to let me go. I guess I have work to do. I’m not interested though. She’s the love of my life. The mother of my children. My partner, my voice of inspiration, my friend. I still find myself wanting to speak to her all the time. I want to tell her how proud I am of her, I want to share in the moments of our children together. I want it all. I fear these are all things I may never have again. Not the way I want them. So which part do I choose to accept? The way I want it or the way that it is now. I don't know. I’ll never believe that it’s over. I can see it in your face. I can see it in your eyes. Can you see it in mine? I came to you out of pure honesty and truth. It felt good. It felt so good to see you. To hold you, even for a moment. To share with one another again. Tears are forming in my eyes, I thought I could do this without feeling this way every time.
I guess I cant. I love you. I miss you. I want you back in my life. I want our life back. I want our life the way we want it. I wish you wouldn't make me feel bad about where I am in life. I still hate the way you see family. We aren't the same in many ways, but I’ll never believe it's so bad that we can’t make it work. We were invincible. And now I come with so much baggage. How do some people do it? How did you? You found someone broken, fill them with love, and get back what you want. I see the game in it all. You and I are not the same.
I’ll survive today though. And tomorrow and the next. I’m going to be okay. I know that now. I’m at peace with my heart. It was able to share, it was able to tell her how I still see her. How I’ve always seen her. An acknowledgment of the scared little boy who felt so lost so many years ago. Who has always listened to what other wanted for him but never really what he wanted for himself. How do I get there? How do I change?
It's gonna take a bit of work. I need to roll up my sleeves and just do the work. Something maybe I haven't done in a long time. Everything came easy as a child and suddenly here I am, a grown man struggling to stay motivated. Struggling to achieve. Struggling to feel like I am enough. I am my own worst critic. Perhaps I've always been too hard on me, never feeling like I’m doing enough and accepting the crutch of family assistance. I think that's ok. Maybe we will never work this out, you never could see how blessed we were. Always how you could do it better. Interestingly, my tone is shifting. I’m finding new truths in myself each day.
Can you tell how important it is for me to air out these thoughts? I think maybe I’m losing my mind, or perhaps for the first time in a long time, I’m finding it. I’m sorry. Where do we go next? Ugh, my mind could spin for days. I’m exhausted and alive.