I am far from okay today. Perhaps my lowest in a long time, what a blessing it is to feel. How thoughts are able to control my entire body I will never understand, but it consumes me. I can feel her in my chest, in the weakness of my limbs, of my entire being. I can feel her. I miss her. I want to touch her and hold her. I’ve had these mental blocks since the beginning, I’ve never been able to give myself to anyone new because I already belong to you. I think I’ve always known that.
I feel like I’m cheating when I fuck around with anyone new, I feel like I’m letting myself down. I haven't met anyone that I liked more than Rita. Rosa came close but it all turned out to be a lie. All of it. An enormous game of self-inflation. Perhaps I was playing the game too though. Did I get what I wanted? I’m not entirely sure? I think personally, yes.
I needed to go away, I needed to go and see. I needed to find out what else is out there. What have I been missing? What did I lose when I decided to settle? I don't know if I was ever settling. Just scared. Scared of the realities at 21. I loved her. My baby. My babies. I loved her. I still love her. I’m not confused anymore, just sad. I realize this enormous hole in my soul that I just want to fill with her again. Would she come back? Would she even want to? I don't know. She’s been with Chris for a long time now. If she marries him will that kill me? I feel a wave of fear and sadness wash over me as I imagine the life they would lead. I can’t let that happen.
I need her again. She was mine for so long, and we allowed so many other pieces to ruin something that was so perfect between us. At least that's how I saw it. I wonder how you saw it? I was so stubborn. I don’t want to stay the same. I want to change with you. I wanted to grow with you. I wanted to be with you. I wanted you. You left me so alone. And so angry. And so empty. I wish you had never left. I thought I was doing the right thing. I want to tear our papers apart. I want to erase the things we have grown through. I want to be yours again. What would that take? What will it take? I’m ready to commit to making it work between us, I don't know what pride is anymore. Fuck my pride. I’ve listened to so many people tell me how to feel for so long. Rita always lifted me up, until she didn't need me anymore. Or until she had a little freedom and lost control.
I understand what happened. Its so hard for me to blame her. I’m ready to forgive her. I just want her back. So what steps can I take. What can I say, where can I be honest and how can I do these things without scaring her away. I wish I knew. I wish everything didn't take so much time. I wish I could have you back with me today. Back in my arms, back in my bed, back in our home with our children. Back together as a family. Can we? Will we? It’s going to take a bit of work.
I’ll get through this. I saw her again and my life fell back apart. That’s what she does to me. I can't help it. I’ve spent thousands of dollars to live through the shit that she’s put me through, but I don’t think I’m over it yet. I want my wife back. This awakening could be scary. I don't know what it means for me.
Deep breaths. Day at a time. I’ve lost so much. I have so much. There’s so much more I want back. Be careful T. You know what you feel. You know what you want. Now’s the time to go get it. Deep breaths. Strap in for disappointment and continuing the ride of my life.
Fuck you forever Rita, I love you.