I hate it when I come back to face myself. Sometimes I end up here so often. Thoughts unending, the seasons shifting, my spirit fades once again. Will I ever find someone that actually wants to be with me? I think I’m tired of looking. I’m tired of trying. I need to let go of the idea that I will find love again. A hopeless excursion, how can I date while imprisoned? I can’t, I won’t. When will freedom come for me, I’ve never felt it. I don't know what to do with myself today. I’m tired and I’m angry, and I’m so sad. Feeling my losses, seeing my spaces.

I didn't recognize my wife. It wasn't her. But there she was. With us together, playing with the kids, back at the house, sharing drinks and cigarettes. God, am I so desperate I’m allowing this monster back into my life. I miss my friend. I need to stop investing in anyone. I’m disappointed in life. I’m low. Fuck.

Do I drive others away? I don't feel overwhelming. I feel small. I feel insecure. I feel disposable. Moreso now than ever. What do I do with my time, how can I be productive. How can I shift the ways I’m working. I need to focus again, but I can’t seem to find what’s keeping me here. I need to quit smoking cigarettes.

I need to stop now. I need to stop today. It’s scrambling my mind, my attention, my health. It’s attacking me and depleting me of everything that I like about myself. I need to let it go. I’m going through withdrawals from it all. I’ve left social media, the addict in me wants to go back. Who am I without my made-up audience? Who am I when I cant share my emotions, how do I direct myself? How will I hold up? I don't know if I will. Today I need to sleep. I hate this life. I hate this place. I hate everything. I’m so tired of being alone in paradise. I want someone to share with. I want someone to call and joke around without feeling imposing. I want someone to call my own. To know they’re mine and that we share on a real level. I thought I had it, but maybe I jump to conclusions.

Maybe you jumped to conclusions, both of you. I’m so angry today. Fuck this, talking and writing is only burning time but it's not solving anything. The only thing that will help me today is a nice long nap. I’ll get there, I need to shut this all down soon. I’m breaking. I need a break. I need to change. Why do I have to look inside? I’m broken. Maybe its time to fix that? I had no idea how fragile I really was. How alone I really am. Or is it all in my head, fuckin, I don't know.