I have no focus left in me. I have no energy. I have no soul. I live in total fear of the future. Fear of all the things I have to lose and the security that does not exist. I’m lost. I’m angry. I’m terrified. I guess I have a job today, but what does the future hold? How will I continue to support my growing family when there are days when I can’t even feed myself. Meanwhile my ex-wife makes more money, is thriving in a new job, and is busy fucking any chance she can get. Where does this leave me feeling? How do I dig deeper to be proactive. How do I summon the energy to make bigger life changes. Why am I stuck. Because I’m allowing myself to remain stuck. I’m feeling low today, but thats because of impending doom.
I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m getting lost inside the clouds of my mind. I know that I will be okay, but it’s time to be proactive. It’s time to stop feeling sorry for myself and time to take control of the situation that I have before me. I’ve hit my bottom a few times now, this weekend is looking grim. It’s looking like I might remain lost out here. I’m isolating myself. Vanishing from the public, I dont know if I can maintain what I’ve started.
I thought you were going to do this with me. I still cant believe im hung up on how you left me. I still cant believe you did this so you could fuck around, or buy your own house without me. I really thought we were doing this together, but I realize now that I never knew you. You never allowed me to really get tto know you, because youre sick in yhe head. Youre sick in your life, you dont have much of a soul to even account for anymore. All of the things i did with you i wonder how much of it was ever actually you and how much of it was just a person pretending to be someone that they thought was supposed to be in that space. I dont know. Maybe ill never fucking know. all i do know is that i hate you. I hat eyou with every fucking ounce of my soul. You fucking horrible piece of human trash. Ive never felt such resentment for another human before. I was worried about what it is that im goibg to do next, but maybe i should just chill. If i get my ass up and applu myself i think ill be just fine. I have plenty to offer and if my pride takes a hit so be it. I need to get back out there. I need to meet some new people, i know that im capable of it. I dont know why ive been so low recently. Im so fucking lost today i can barely think straight. I dont know where i am. I dont know who i am, i dont even know what it is that im sypposed to be doing anymore. I dont want to be here tomorrow, i dont want to be here today. i dont want to be me anymore.
Im just tired. So fucking tired. Tired of all the things life has to throw at me. but what am i going to do about it? go home and smoke. sit around and dream abot all the things ill never do. maybe? i need stability, where has it gone. im not getting it from any of the pkalces i used to know to look, i guess thats life though. i talked my brother into making life changes, why am i so afraid to make them for myself. I need a fucking vacation. I need mental rest, i want it all to happen to me over night sp thta i dont have to try and fix myself. how far have i fallen, im tired of speaking. im tired of thinking, im tired of trying to be someone. im tired of trying to be bigger than i am. im so small. i feel so small. i said goodbye to my kids again til monday. im fucking tired of that too. i hate everything. i hate everyone.
i have so many regrets, i lied to her when i told her i had none. my biggest regret in life was loving her. it was showing love and allowing myself to be vulnerable and able to be hurt. i dont fuck like that anymore. im here for a good time or no time at all, but im not here for anyone but me. im lost.
i could sit here and spill my thoughts all day, its not like i have anything else to work on or think about. sike, i do, but how am i supposed to focus while i have impending doom being held over my head. how am i supposed to focus on positive change and growth when my money and income could be in question. im lost, where do i go from here. im lost where do i look. im stuck here. im stuck in this area. im s tuck in this life and i dont know what to do next.
i cant deal with other people. i cant listen to their voices today. i just cant, i dont have the mental capacity to even try and entertain someone else’s feelings or thoughts. i may be stuck in that space for a while. i dont know. i have good days and i have days like today and today im a fractuion of myself. today id like to hear you died. today id like to come and spit on your grave. i hope thats something i have the opportunity to some day do, i owe you that much.
how are you the burden in my ear, how are you still the voice that tells me to question myself and my family. how are you everywhere while being nothing. i hope you die alone. i know you will. i hope you die so soon. you dont belong on this earth. i wish i had an amount of words i could spill out that would do away with you. cast you off from my mind so that there was nothing left of you. i wish there was nothing left of you period. i hate you. with every ounce of my soul i hate you.
i need to read my documents, i need to find a new job, i need to be ready to move, i need to do alot of things to get myself in a better situation. im not there right now, but i will be. i fucking will be. today is the day i begin my transformation, before im 32 i need to come alive. before im 32 i need to remind the world of who i am and what the fuck im actually capable of. before im 32 i need to have a clear path set out for me.
im better than you, i always have been. i can say that confidently because i helped make you. for a long time you were me, you are me. fuck you forever you fucking soul sucking whore of a bitch.
the idea of you makes me sick. i heard how much youve been fucking, i heard you already tell someone new that you love them. i heard how needy you really are. i dont know why any part of me wishes you still needed me. i guess i just wanted to be that for you. i actually loved you. that space is still so raw, why do i pretend its not. im filling it up though
filling it with hate. i cant let that hate consume me, but i can do nothing but allow it to bleed out of me, i have to let it out. there is so much inside of me. i dont want you to ever speak to me like you know me. bitch you dont know me anymore. i dont give a fuck about yuour life. i dont give a fuck about anything you do. i dont give a fuck about you. i hope you die soon, i cant say that enough. everyone tells me i shouldnt say that, as if im saying something i dont actually feel. my life would be better with out you. my life is better off without you. im thankful for my children, the rest of this life can suck a fucking dick and die.
fuck forever, i wish i died at 30. im tired of this life. im tired of change. im tired of growth. im tired of everything. i could write forever, i jyst have these feelings spilling out of me today. its only 11:15 in the morning, in 24 more hours well find out where our jobs are at, are they secure? probably not. will we be laid off in the future? theres a good possibility. why dwell, this life is hell.
fuck my typos. fuck trying. i literally have nothing left.