I’m tired of wasting time.
I forgive you.
I still want you.
I still need you.
I still love you.
I’m still in love with you.
I’ve spent the last three years looking for you in everyone. Traveled to different cities, woke up in new beds, and despite everything that we put each other through, I’ve never met anyone I liked as much as you. And as for love, no ones come close. It scares me to write these words to someone that caused me so much heartache, but I’m not here to play the victim — I know the role I played. Circumstance has always been a bitch.
I feel crazy saying this to you, but you told me that the “what if” always kept you from feeling like we were all the way real. You never felt like I chose you. What a ride we took together. We had to end what was, only the action tho, never the meaning. I understand. You had to go, there was no other way out, and it was all so unhealthy. No boundaries, no freedom, nothing was entirely ours. I was smothering and scared. I’m so sorry for all the things I couldn’t see. I’m so sorry for the stubborn boy who pushed you away. You had to leave. You had to know.
Perhaps I had to see the world too, take some chances, meet some new people, decide for myself if it was ever real between us. Were we just victims of circumstance? I know what I think. I know what I know. I’ve loved you since the moment I saw you. I know I always will.
I’m here to ask if it’s over. Seeing you on Halloween, smiling with you, spending time with you, I felt something I’ve missed so much. It swept over me. I feel you in my bones, in my chest, throughout my entire body, something indescribable. We made magic happen three times over, and not once did we fuck it up. How can we deny it?
Maybe you found true love again though, and maybe Chris is it. If he does give you everything I never could, then I’m happy for you, but I can’t see you with him. I can’t. I can’t come to your brother’s wedding and smile alongside you. I can’t. I’m being as honest about my feelings as I can right now. I don’t know what I’m asking for? A chance? What would this look like if we tried again? Could we ever take it slowly? Or is it over? For real over. I need to know. I’ve been running from my reality for a long time, but I know what I want. And I know what I love.
I miss my life, miss my wife, miss our family. But I want it to be ours if we want it. And if that can’t happen, I need to know for good. This is who I am, and it’s how I’ve always felt. Whether I bury it or not won’t make it go away. But if it’s over, I have to establish boundaries with you. We can’t be friends — I don’t work that way. Too hard to see you and not have you, let alone see you with someone else. Our story has been unpredictable from the beginning, and what I’m saying requires so much work, but I want it if you do. I want you.
I love you, Rita, I always have. I always will.