Emotional. Something I’ve been recently going into the Fall. It hit me earlier this year, do I always go dark so soon? This year has been the hardest. I always go through this. I return to a place of self-hatred. It doesn’t matter what I do right now, I hate myself. I don’t always even know why but I can find reasons. Create unreal scenarios and then crumble when it doesn’t go my way. What would my way have been? Something magical, hahaha. Something worth a story.
I still think about you often, maybe it’s a craving — I don’t know, but it won’t go away. I still find myself wanting to perform for your attention. What is wrong with me? I take it all incredibly personal, between me and the mirror. Shouting my confessions at nobody but a screen, and I’ll always dream in dog years, for no one but me. And I think, what’s left that I should share? What do I owe the world, what part of myself do I let in? What part do I allow to be judged? For so long it’s been my most prized, and I share from pride. What if I still shared my immense neurosis? Where would this go if I shared the parts of my mind I exist in daily? I don’t think it’s meant for strangers — then again, the internet is a playground, a testing lab, a world of the people. We exist together and entirely separate. All on our own rules. What parts do we share, and how close do we allow complete strangers? I let Rosa in closer than anyone in a long time, or perhaps it would be better to say I caught feelings for someone, and I loved their attention. Maybe she realized that? I still wonder what happened, but I understand connecting with someone until something better comes along. And in my case, anything is better. And I will always know that. It just doesn’t make any sense to join me anytime soon, my journey has begun already. Part of me wonders if I will end up with Rita again, I don’t think that I can ever allow that. No part of me is willing to forgive that person for their behavior. Fuck her forever. I sit here with her beautiful children, missing her presence, missing her space in this house. This house never changed, I need to leave soon. I know that. But I’m being forced to grow in so many ways I don’t know which path is right? How amazing would it be to move away? Live in LA. I could never afford it on my own. I’m still delusional. What was that trip? A trip for sure.
I’m upset over time spent, and so exhausted considering the time to come. So much pressure is mounting, what am I owning? Who am I allowing myself to become? My work looks good, I know this. But where is my mind going? I’m getting so far away from where I am right now. I’m home. I’m with my children. This won’t be forever, I should stop pretending that it is. I should have gone to Katy’s today, that was wrong. I felt such remorse after leaving, felt terrible. I should have stayed. I’ve been affected by this quarantine. I need to come back to myself, back to my own feet, back to decide who I’m going to be. We’re going into Winter. I never do well, I’ve been teetering now. Cravings. Searching for the fulfillment, but I won’t pull myself far enough together to get my shit together to go into any sort of direction. I want to be able to play the piano like I’m able to type my thoughts. When I begin to flow on a keyboard, god damn it feels so good. Reminds me of my spirit, of who I’ve always been. Don’t let anyone extinguish you. Baby boy. You are fucking beautiful. You are inspiring. You carry so much weight. You do it alone. You do it with love. You breathe love. You don’t hold this hate. It’s never been who you are. You want to love so badly. You want to feel so bad for yourself. Oh poor you, haven’t made a single effort to get up on your ass to go workout, couldn’t even stay out to see family today. Had to lie to Katy, what the fuck. Still feel terrible. Watched me lie. Not smart, but you know what. Fuck it, I’m all over the place today. I need to balance my head out. I need to separate. I need to wake up. It’s hard to have this conversation with myself so often. But I’m alone, and feeling intense pressure.
I need to loosen up again and do something that I know I’m good at that has nothing to do with social media. Something I can build on my own, and love on my own, and that doesn’t require validation from anyone. Something that I can pour some of this into. I don’t know yet.
Last week I was feeling wild, feeling like a part of me was alive again, and then I realize that my outlets are dwindling, my friendships are dissolving, my work is changing, I’m growing up. But not everyone is. Sometimes I guess that’s just the way it is, isn’t it? I was an adult. God damn. I’m so tired of being Dad to everyone, but I don’t think I can let that go.
I need some new music. Re-identify with outlets. But not because I can allow anyone to take my music from me. I will always be who I am. I know who that is, but I feel sloppy today. Cold and not myself. In need of company, music, and sleep. Don’t let yourself go when you shed this weight and stand up straight — this is all reminding you of who you can be. You had a good showing last week, tomorrow you have an entire project to deliver. Smile baby boy, let go, relax, dissociate. You need space for yourself. Keep everyone out of your life as long as you need to. Just go live. Fuck.