My mental health is crumbling, I feel it as it goes. Stand and watch and wave goodbye, our dance has come to a close. I don’t do well as myself, out of practice and alone. My children need me, they must be fed and clothed and cared for, I give them all I have. But what’s left? What do I have to share with anyone else? I’m tired of the pain, tired of sadness, tired of speaking on the past.

I miss my friends, I miss having a friend, I miss someone to turn to. To share with, someone to call, someone to lean on and call my own. Someone that I can speak to as an adult, as a companion, as someone who cares. I’m tired. And I’m lonely, and I’m tired of sharing myself. I don’t want to anymore. I’ve lost sight of how it’s done. I’ve lost sight of who I am offline. I’ve lost sight of my own life. Which parts can I control, which parts will I fix?

Summer Trav has come and gone, I hope we meet again. Until then, the shell that’s left is angry, cold, and feeling empty. Lost and in a swirl, my mind begins to spin. How many bridges must I burn to feel something again? How many lessons must I learn before I know enough?

My walls went down and now back up, thicker than before. I know I don’t want to let anyone in, I need to clean my house. I need to clean my mind. I need to disconnect. I need to find myself again. I need to express myself in ways that do not require validation, that doesn’t put me on display.

It gets so hard to stand alone. To smile and move forward. Stand up tall and use my name, own this life I’ve made. It’s scary and it’s different and fuck it’s overwhelming. Who will I be? What’s left to come? How will I make it work?

I’m secluded, and separated, disconnected from my friends. From interactions, and affection. Emotions and physical touch. I don’t want to live in this world anymore. I don’t want to try, I’m tired of crying, I’m tired of carrying this with me. I’m done, this is over. I feel so much hate, so much regret, so many times I should have kept my mouth shut. I’m alone so often, left to my thoughts, I guess I just wish I could share.. with someone who cares, someone who loves me, someone who won’t walk away.

Tired of dreaming, sleep brings no peace. Fuck these thoughts, and these feelings, I wish they would leave, I’m done and defeated — fuck life and this game.