Sometimes I truly enjoy revisiting feelings. I dive right back in head first. The things I wrote, the way I said them. I’m constantly fascinated by it. I want to learn from it, I want to better understand myself. I want to know why I cycle through moods and stages.
Sometimes I wonder why you cycle through me, but I should understand my own behavior first. Perhaps it will shed light on the way other people behave. The distance we love to keep between us. The way we allow ourselves to keep from feeling. I’m back in it, I understand it all a little bit. I waited to jump back in, but here I am. Reliving the way things made me feel. Trying to engage in communication with strangers. Girl I see you.
I want you. I still do. I only want you because you don't. But I still see you looking. More than others. I wish I knew how you worked. It's something I've always wanted to know. You're the puzzle I've always wanted to solve. Perhaps, I never will. The more that I avoid contact with you I’m sure we will drift back apart, back into the distances of obscurity. Maybe I’ll find you out there. Maybe, you’ll find me. I can’t imagine those things will ever happen. But you’re funny. And the things you said to me, the way you engaged me so playfully, what the fuck were you doing. We’ll see if you poke back. You know that's all it takes. But you don’t seem to care whether I stay or go.
Maybe it’s the feeling of being expendable that I don’t enjoy. But at the same time, maybe I do. I still don’t want to matter to anyone more than a friend. More than a body. More than a night. It’s where I’m at. I’m not looking to fill my days and time with another person. I have 3 that require most of my attention. For now, that will suffice.
I wonder how youre doing. How are you speaking to them? How do they speak to you? What has that relationship grown into? Part of me will be forever curious, but other parts of me have outgrown you. They’ve outgrown the ways that you made me feel, they don’t require or crave your approvals anymore. Maybe that was always an issue, I need to find people that make me feel bigger than I am. I think I have, but I dont know what to do with her. I tell her that. I dont know if she understands me at all, or has any idea where I’m coming from. I see her hiding. Far away from people that care, trying to prove something to herself. I’ve never had that drive. I see you all. I love you all. I’m so uninterested in your paths. I’m so uninterested in carrying anyone else for a while.
Even the small amounts that I let in sit with me heavily. Probably too heavy. Have I grown weak? Maybe just far too distracted. I can get like that. You did. How are you doing, why do I care. I guess I dont. I’m buzzing right now.
Next day. I am miserable. Tired and lost. Sent weird texts and dont know what the fuck I’m looking for anymore. Do I want a significant other, do I want casual shit. I don’t know. Do I want to just be left alone. I think so. I dont crave human interaction like that. I guess I wish I had someone to lean on and share with, but at the same time, I just don’t. I just want to live in quiet. I just want to sit around my house and lay still. I just want to disappear. Thats just todays vibe. Good thing I have tickets to go see Lifetime tonight. I’m really going to need to power nap tonight. Should I invite Christina. Do I want to see her. I kind of do. I kind of like her. Do I want to go sit around my house playing video games all weekend or do I want to complicate my life a little bit. I’m undecided. I’m tired which is not helping my decision. I cant tell if this person is my new partner in crime or not. I dont know what I want her to be. Thats not fair to her at all. She can be so much though, why do I love this so much. I love finding people I dont want to be around with other people, but I also find them to be so attractive and so much extra to deal with that I fall in love. I am not in love. I’m not even in like. I’m not pressed at all. But fuck, what do I feel like doing.
I see the games you tried to play with me. I hope you can see how unaffected I was by all of it. Not much effects me. I’ve grown pretty immune to all of these games, and I think its freakishly clear that I don't need anyone. Is that so unhealthy or have I finally found myself out here. Have I finally seen the light, and realized how I like to live. I think I kind of want to fuck tonight, but when should I hit her up. I dont really even want to go to this show at all. I want to go home and close all the windows and get a deep deep sleep. That sounds like what I want. I hate being mildly responsible for anyone else’s feeling. It’s exhausting. I’m sitting here debating on texting you. I’m not ready for a night out with you tonight, especially not with all of my peoples there. I’m just too tired. I’m not hanging late tonight, I’m heading home to nap.
I feel delirious.
What the fuck is my move. No amount of sitting here will help me solve this. I just sent Christina a text but I dont think that I want to follow through with it. Not because I dont want to see her, but id rather go hide in my house for the rest of the weekend and sleep. It would be pretty tight to lay next to a warm body though. I dont know what I want. Maybe I do know. Let’s see how this goes. I feel miserable.I gotta love these games I play with myself.
Moving on. I miss my kids, they keep me in a healthy proactive mindset that I dont get from anywhere else. They help me keep my head on tight, they help me think clearly. I just want to curl up in a bed right now. I only semi-remember what it’s like to operate on this little sleep, and being hung over and foggy. I’m pretty terrible at it, but that’s because I’m getting older. How sad. Such a dad through and through, I just can't hang these days.
I want to talk but I cant think. Goodbye.