Well, I’m back. I broke last night in a way I haven't in a while. It was like muscle memory of a time before. My brain went back to a place of hate, of sadness, of anger, of everything I don’t want to feel. I felt crazy. I felt alone. I’m not better this morning, but here I am back at work. I need to take some time for myself, but sometimes I feel like time is running out. I should have worked harder to take time off. I want to do it, why don't I feel allowed to?
Sometimes I’m unable to be spontaneous if it wasn’t my idea. I don't like that about myself, I get lost in that space. Putting up a fight with myself for no reason. I don’t want to be ugly, I don't want to be old. I want to be fun. I want to feel loose. I want to laugh and play and sit in the breeze and breath it all in. What keeps me from achieving that? Myself. My own worst enemy.
Phantom pain is real though. It was as if I was reliving moments, recreating them, living through the pain again. I never like what I find. But I can't avoid it either. I go back there, it's been branded into me. Part of who I am, and part of how I identified for so long. I don’t want to go back. I hate Winter and Spring is no better. I’m just better when I’m tan.
But this isn't something the Sun is going to solve, this is something that I have to address. I don’t feel in control, I found control by letting it go. But I don’t want to play that card anymore, that option fucking sucks. I left that behind. I want to leave it behind me. I want to get away from everything that has kept me in space. I need to find a new home, it’s time. I don’t know what I’m so afraid of, I don’t believe in myself enough to take full control. I have to though. How long will I have these conversations with myself.
Too long. So long. Deep breaths.