You are my one and only fan.

I’m not sure I have much to say here, I guess I set myself up for this one though. I should have known. I did know. I knew everything I was doing was stupid, but it was fun and exciting. It was new. It was change. It was so far from where I always end up. It made me feel alive, but I only seem to come alive for good reasons. I knew what I wanted. I wanted you. I wanted to hold you, to laugh with you to lay with you and joke with you. I saw myself with you. Did I say too much to drive you away?

I wish I knew what I did. I just want you back. I want your presence back in my life. I want silly selfies and texts. I want calls that last too long and I want to see you again. You dream so big. You dreamt above me. Past me. Bigger than I can go. Aw. I hate it.

I hate letting go of something that could be so good for both of us. I believe that. It would be unconventional, it would make absolutely no sense, but it would be real. Fuck whatever anyone thinks, it would be real. You were real. And I miss you. I thought I had you. I was so close to the rest of my life and then suddenly it was gone. Ive gone through major separation episodes. I’m missing you constantly, I’m losing sight of my kids in front of me. I’m losing track of my work, I need to let it all go. Fuck.

orderless